Grief & Child Loss: 7 Gentle Ways to Mark Your Child's Birthday

For bereaved mothers, a child’s birthday can stir up waves of grief, love, and longing all at once. These milestone days aren’t just dates on a calendar, they’re deeply emotional reminders of what should have been.

As a grief educator and mom who lost her daughter, I know how heavy these days can feel. When Katie’s birthday comes around, I still feel the ache, even years later. But I’ve also discovered that honouring her life with love-filled rituals brings a sense of peace and connection.

If you’re navigating the emotional weight of your child’s birthday after loss, here are three deeply meaningful, healing ways to mark the day. You'll also find four more heartfelt ideas to help carry you through the day in my podcast episode on this topic..

1. Buy the Birthday Cake Anyway

One of the most emotional decisions for a grieving mom is whether or not to buy a birthday cake. It might feel strange — or even painful — to purchase a cake for a child who isn’t here. But for many bereaved mothers, it’s a powerful way to honour the life and love that still remains.

I still buy Katie a cake. Every year. Some years it’s decorated with butterflies. Other years, I ask for purple frosting; her favourite colour. I might write her name on it, or simply say, “Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl.”

I’ve heard from moms who place a single candle on their child’s cake and light it quietly in the kitchen. Others throw small gatherings with close family, letting siblings or cousins help blow out the candles.

If none of this feels right, consider purchasing a birthday cake for another child. Stop by your local bakery and ask if they have any orders being picked up near your child's birthday and pay for that cake.

2. Release Butterflies to Heaven

One of the most beautiful birthday traditions I’ve come to cherish is releasing butterflies. There’s something sacred about holding that tiny creature in your hand, saying a prayer, and watching it fly into the sky.

Lisa's book about grief & child loss

Butterflies symbolize transformation, hope, and the ongoing presence of our loved ones. This is one of my favourite things to do, since Katie's birthday in in May. It’s a deeply spiritual moment; one where I feel closest to her.

You can do it in your backyard, at a special park, or any place that holds meaning for you and your child.

Rituals like this give you a way to do something with your grief. Instead of feeling powerless, you create a moment of beauty and sweet remembrance.

3. Do a Random Act of Kindness in Their Name

Turning pain into purpose is one of the most powerful tools we have in grief. On Katie’s birthday, I often do something kind for someone else, not because it makes the grief go away, but because it reminds me that love can ripple outward.

I’ve left notes and flowers on strangers’ windshields, donated to children’s charities, and once paid for the coffee of the person behind me in line. If the occasion seems right, you can also tuck a little card into their item that read:“Today would have been my daughter Katie’s birthday. I’m remembering her by spreading a little love in the world. I hope this brings a smile to your day.”

Other grieving moms have made care packages, donated books to a school, or sent birthday balloons to a children’s hospital.

Kindness reminds us that our children’s legacies can live on through us and that we still have the power to create moments of goodness, even in our grief.

Child Loss & More Birthday Ideas

If you found these ideas comforting, I invite you to listen to my newest episode of the Grief & Child Loss Support for Moms podcast where I share four more gentle, healing ideas for honouring your child’s birthday after loss. You can listen to the full episode HERE.

Walking beside you,

Lisa Boehm

Katie's Mom

PS: If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the Grief & Child Loss Support for Moms podcast, please leave me a voice memo here: www.griefsupportformoms.com/memo