Supporting Siblings After Child Loss: Helping Children Navigate Grief

When a child dies, the world’s attention naturally centers on the grieving parents. Often overlooked are the surviving children; the siblings who are also left to navigate the heartbreak of child loss. Sibling grief is complicated and often invisible.

As a bereaved mom myself, I saw this firsthand when my 15-year-old son Ryan lost his sister Katie, who was 17. Like many siblings, Ryan became what experts call the “forgotten mourner.” His grief didn’t look like mine, and at first, I didn’t recognize it for what it was. What I thought was teenage defiance was really pain spilling out in ways he didn’t have the tools to manage.

In this post, I’ll share what sibling grief looked like in our family, the lessons I learned while supporting Ryan, and practical ways you can support your children after child loss.

What Sibling Grief Can Look Like

Sibling grief doesn’t always show up as tears or words. For Ryan, it came out as anger and defiance. He slammed doors, pushed back against authority, and avoided being at home where the sadness felt heavy. His behaviour was really grief wearing a mask I didn’t recognize.

Many grieving siblings report similar feelings. In fact, in Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child by Ellen Mitchell, surviving children shared that they often felt less important than the child who died. Some even internalized statements like, “I have nothing to live for” as proof they weren’t enough for their parents to keep going. That broke my heart, and I vowed Ryan would never feel invisible in our family.

What Helped My Son Through His Grief

One of the most healing things we did was create what I called “Ryan time.” It was time just for him. It wasn't about Katie, the funeral, or memorials. Just Ryan.

At the time, he was discovering a passion for cars. We leaned into it by asking questions, visiting swap meets, and even giving him space in the garage to work on a fixer-upper. Watching him light up again reminded me that grief and life can coexist.

We also tried therapy right after Katie died, but it wasn’t the right time. Ryan went three times and then quit. For years I worried we failed him, but seven years later, he chose to go on his own; for his own reasons. That taught me an important truth: siblings grieve on their own timeline.

Practical Tips for Supporting Surviving Children

Here are some everyday practices that made a difference for us and may help you too:

• Schedule one-on-one time with each child weekly, even if it’s short.

• Use real language. Avoid euphemisms like “went to sleep”. They can confuse younger kids.

• Reassure them often. If you express despair, follow up with: “I love you. You matter. We’ll get through this together.”

• Maintain structure. Rules, routines, and predictability create safety in chaos.

• Model healthy grieving. Let your kids see you cry, talk, or seek support, but also show them you can keep living.

• Celebrate small wins. A good grade, a new hobby, or even a funny moment deserves recognition.

  
  

Hope for the Future

The good news is that over time, many parents grow closer to their surviving children. A University of Bergen study found that 85% of mothers reported a strengthened bond with surviving children after loss. My own story reflects this. Nearly 10 years later, Ryan is now a journeyman millwright, a homeowner, and a compassionate young man. He carries his sister in his heart, but has also built a meaningful life of his own.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever worried that you’re failing your surviving children, please know this: you’re not failing. You’re grieving and learning together. By carving out moments of connection, speaking with honesty, and reassuring your children that they matter, you’re giving them the gift of security in the midst of heartbreak.

Sibling grief is real, but so is the resilience that can grow when we choose to show up, even imperfectly, for our children.

And if this post resonated, please share it with another grieving mom who might need these words today.

XO Lisa

PS: I created a 3-page document filled with grief resources just for bereaved moms. You can grab it here.