Jealousy in Grief: Why Bereaved Moms Feel It and How to Cope

Grief after child loss is never straightforward. Alongside the pain, sadness, and longing, many bereaved moms also experience something that’s not often spoken about: jealousy. If you’ve ever felt your stomach drop when scrolling past graduation photos, wedding announcements, or family holiday pictures, you’re not alone. Jealousy in grief is real, and it’s far more common than most of us admit.

In this post, I want to normalize these feelings and share how I’ve experienced them since my daughter Katie died. I’ll also give you some practical tools to cope when jealousy sneaks in and threatens to take over your heart.

Why Jealousy Shows Up in Grief

The truth is simple: our children were supposed to be here. Every milestone we see celebrated; from kindergarten concerts to college graduations, from weddings to baby announcements. All of these things remind us of what our child will never experience.

I first noticed it shortly after Katie passed away. During graduation season, my social media feeds filled with smiling teens in caps and gowns. While I truly wanted to be happy for those families, my gut reaction was bitterness. I remember muttering under my breath, “Katie should have been there” and muttering a few F-bombs too.

Common Triggers for Jealousy in Grief

Certain seasons and milestones seem to bring jealousy to the surface more than others. Some of the most common grief triggers include:

• Back-to-school photos in the fall

• Graduation announcements

• Weddings and engagements

• New baby arrivals

• Holiday family portraits

• Sporting events, dance recitals, or competitions

  
  

If you’ve noticed yourself feeling upset or even resentful during these times, know that you’re not alone. Many bereaved moms struggle with these same emotions.

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Healthy Ways to Cope with Jealousy After Child Loss

Jealousy doesn’t make you a bad mom, a bad friend, or an ungrateful person. It makes you human. Still, the feelings can be heavy and isolating. Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful:

1. Acknowledge the Feeling

The first step is simply naming it. Instead of stuffing it down or shaming myself for it, I’ll say to myself, “This is jealousy. This is grief.” Awareness allows us to meet our emotions with compassion instead of shame.

2. Protect Your Heart

Sometimes, avoidance is healthy. If graduation season is tough, give yourself permission to step back from social media. If first-day-of-school photos are overwhelming, scroll past them quickly. Protecting your heart is an act of self-care.

3. Reframe the Experience

When Katie’s former boyfriend got married, I struggled with mixed emotions. But over time, I reframed the situation by imagining what it would be like if one of my kids lost their partner. Would I want to hold on tightly and prevent their partner from moving forward? Of course not. That perspective softened my jealousy into understanding.

4. Prepare Ahead of Time

If you know a milestone event is coming — like attending a wedding or baby shower — give yourself space to prepare. Remind yourself of why you’re going, and plan extra rest or self-care around it. This can help soften the emotional impact.

5. Lean on Support

Sometimes the best balm is connecting with other bereaved moms who “get it.” Talking with women who understand can ease the heaviness of jealousy and remind you that you’re not walking this road alone.

Giving Yourself Grace

Nearly ten years after Katie’s accident, I still feel pangs of jealousy when her friends reach milestones. But I’ve also learned that over time, those feelings soften. Today, I can genuinely celebrate others’ joys while still carrying my grief.

That’s the balance we strive for as bereaved moms: holding grief in one hand and joy in the other. Jealousy may always show up, but it doesn’t define us. It’s simply another part of the grief journey we walk every day.

So if you’ve been wrestling with jealousy, please hear me clearly: you are not alone, and you are not a bad person. You are a grieving mom, missing your child. Give yourself grace. Protect your heart when needed. And know that healing is possible, even with these complicated emotions.

XO Lisa Boehm

~Katie's mom

I've compiled a long list of resources for you including books, articles,podcasts and so much more. You can download it here.

Curious about this private online community just for bereaved moms?? Check it out here.