Grief & Joy: Is it OK to feel joy after Child Loss?

When my daughter Katie died, I didn’t know if I’d ever smile again.

In the early days of my grief, the idea of joy felt impossible—almost offensive. I was buried under waves of sorrow, clinging to the belief that if I allowed myself to laugh or smile, it would mean I didn’t love her enough.

But about nine months after she passed, something unexpected happened.

My family and I took a trip to Vancouver Island, searching for a change of scenery that might help us reconnect as a family of three. One day, while hiking near Nanaimo, we stepped into a quiet cove—peaceful, sunlit, serene. I took off my shoes, wrote Katie’s name in the sand, and stood there in stillness.

Then I smiled.

A real, genuine smile. And it terrified me.

Grief whispered, How dare you?

But in that moment, I asked myself a question: Did this smile mean I had forgotten my daughter or my grief? Of course not.

That moment became a turning point. I realized this notion reshaped my entire grief journey: Joy and grief can exist at the same time.

Why Feeling Joy After Loss Triggers Guilt

Many grieving mothers feel conflicted when joy creeps in. The guilt comes quickly, making us feel disloyal or unloving. But this emotional response is very common.

Grief isn’t linear. You can feel devastated in the morning and smile at a memory in the afternoon. That emotional contradiction doesn’t mean your grief is gone. It means you're healing.

In fact, researchers estimate we have 6,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day, each tied to an emotion. That means your emotional experience is far more complex than a single feeling like sadness. You will feel many things at once—joy included.

If guilt is standing between you and joy, here are five ways to shift your perspective and allow joy back into your life after child loss:

1. Allow micro-moments of joy without judgment.

First off, I think we need to redefine joy. It's not what it once was. Perhaps think of joy as something that makes you feel good. It might be that first sip of tea, a song you love, the warmth of sunlight on your face. These are moments of aliveness. Let yourself smile and lean into them.

Lisa's book

2. Reconnect with what once lit you up.

Grief can make you forget who you are. Revisit things that used to bring comfort or curiosity—gardening, writing, painting, or walking. Even a few minutes of creativity or stillness can help.

3. Surround yourself with people who get it.

Find a community that doesn’t rush your grief, but also doesn’t keep you stuck. The right people will sit with you in sorrow. Check out the Angel Moms Community.

4. Try something new.

Be curious. It’s about exploration. A new recipe, book, podcast, or hobby might surprise you with an unexpected lift.

5. Let your child be part of the joy.

Talk to them. Bring them into your daily life. When you laugh, imagine them laughing with you. When you dance, picture them dancing too. You’re not leaving them behind—you’re carrying them forward in a new way.

Redefining What Joy Looks Like

Joy after loss doesn’t have to look like it once did. It can be small, fleeting, and gentle. It might be clean sheets at bedtime, a squirrel on the fence, or your other child’s laughter.

Joy isn’t a sign that you’re "over it." It’s a sign that you’re learning to live again—with your grief.

When You Smile, They Smile

Not long after our BC trip, I visited a psychic-medium who told me something I’ll never forget:

“Your daughter is always with you. When you smile, she smiles. When you laugh, she laughs. So go and give her something amazing to watch.”

That simple sentence gave me permission to start living again—not in spite of my grief, but because of my love.

If this message speaks to your heart, I invite you to listen to the full podcast episode where I share more about my journey, the guilt that held me back, and how I gently found joy again after child loss.

🎧 Click here to listen: “Is It OK to Feel Joy After Loss?”

XO Lisa

PS: I created this free download for you, if you are struggling with knowing how to honour your child on their birthday or Angel anniversary. You can download it HERE.