Loss of Identity After Child Loss: Who Am I Now?

Angel Mom, Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, I don’t even know who I am anymore? If you’ve lost a child, you’ve likely felt this ache; a deep confusion about who you are now that everything you once knew about yourself has changed.

When your child dies, you lose so much more than the person you loved. You lose the future you imagined, your daily routines, your sense of safety, and often your own identity. You may still feel like a mom — because you are — but from the outside, the world doesn’t always see that. Strangers ask how many children you have, and a simple question turns into a painful jab of what’s missing.

How Child Loss Changes Our Identity

Psychologists describe identity as the combination of the roles we play: parent, partner, friend, professional. When one of those roles is shattered, it changes the way we see ourselves.

Before my daughter Katie died, I introduced myself as a mother of two; a daughter and a son. That was a role I cherished. After Katie's accident, people only saw me as a mother of one. The rest of my identity felt invisible.

That’s what many grieving mothers describe, feeling like a stranger in their own life. The person they were “before” doesn’t fit anymore, and the person they’re becoming feels uncertain. One mother told me, “I feel invisible now. My friends talk about their kids’ milestones, and I just sit there smiling, pretending I’m okay.”

So, we learn to wear the “I’m okay” mask. We make small talk to keep conversations comfortable for everyone else. But inside, we’re asking the same quiet question: Who am I now?

Why This Happens

When your child dies, your nervous system stays in survival mode for a long time. You might find yourself bracing for the next wave of pain, constantly scanning for reminders, or avoiding people who don’t understand. That state of high alert keeps your mind focused on survival, not self-discovery.

Add to that the social discomfort around grief: the awkward silences, the friends who disappear, the way society rushes people through loss and it’s no wonder you feel disconnected from yourself. The truth is, grief rewrites your identity. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself again.

Lisa's Book for Bereaved Moms

How to Begin Reconnecting With Yourself

Rediscovering who you are after child loss isn’t about “moving on.” It’s about learning how to live with both love and pain and how to carry your child with you as you slowly rebuild a life that feels like your own again.

Here are three gentle ways to start that process:

1. Reclaim Quiet Moments for Yourself

Set aside just five or ten minutes a day with no distractions; no phone, no background noise. Breathe deeply and ask yourself, What do I need right now? It might be a walk, a rest, a cry, or even talking out loud to your child. The goal isn’t to fix anything. It’s to listen to your body and your emotions, to remind yourself that you still exist beneath the pain.

2. Rediscover What Feels Like “You”

Grief can strip away your sense of purpose. Start small by noticing what brings even a flicker of peace. Maybe it’s journaling, painting, cooking, gardening, or spending time in nature. For me, I found comfort behind my computer, writing blogs, recording podcasts, and connecting with other moms. Later, I rediscovered creativity through painting and pottery. These small joys didn’t erase my grief, but they helped me reconnect with parts of myself that had gone quiet.

3. Include Your Child in Your Identity in a New Way

We never stop being mothers. But our relationship with our child changes form. Find ways to bring your child’s memory into your daily life: place their photo where you see it often, speak their name, celebrate their birthday, or support a cause that honours who they were. You’re not leaving them behind; you’re carrying them forward.

You Are Still Becoming

There is no deadline for finding yourself again. You are already in there beneath the pain, the numbness, and the questions. Every small act of self-compassion brings you closer to her.

Remember this: You can grieve your child, miss your old life, and still grow into someone new. Your child’s love lives through you; in how you live, create, connect, and heal.

If you’re feeling lost right now, you’re not alone. The Angel Moms Community is a safe, private space where bereaved mothers can share their stories and begin to rediscover who they are after loss. You don’t have to wear the “I’m okay” mask there. Inside this community, you'll find honesty, understanding, and connection.

You can check it out here →Angel Moms Community

Even when everything changes, you are still a mother. And, little by little, you are finding your way back to yourself.

XO Lisa Boehm