Grief Waves After Child Loss: 3 Ways to Cope

If you’ve ever been doing “okay” and then a wave of grief suddenly knocks the breath out of you, I've been there too. Grief waves after child loss are one of the most common (and least talked-about) experiences bereaved mothers face. A smell, a song, a date on the calendar, or even a completely ordinary moment can trigger an emotional surge so intense it feels like your heart is collapsing in on itself.

As a grieving mother myself, I know how terrifying, disorienting, and overwhelming these waves can feel. But here’s the truth: grief waves are normal. They’re simply part of loving a child who is no longer physically here.

In this post, you’ll learn three gentle, practical strategies that can help you calm your nervous system, soften a grief wave, and feel more grounded and supported in the moment it hits.

Why Grief Waves Happen after Child Loss

After losing a child, your nervous system undergoes trauma it doesn’t know how to process. Research from the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University shows that child loss deeply affects the brain’s alarm system. This means grief triggers don’t fade the same way they do after other types of loss.

Why?

Because the attachment to a child is deeper, the love is lifelong, and the grief is too complex to “move on” from. So when a wave rises, it’s because your brain is still trying to make sense of the impossible.

Years after losing my daughter Katie, I was ordering a latte in a coffee shop when John Lennon’s Imagine began to play, one of her favourites. My throat tightened instantly. My vision blurred.

That day taught me two things:

1. I needed tools I could lean on in these moments.

2. Breathing mattered more than I ever realized.

1. Slow Your Body First

Most grief surges start with a physical reaction before an emotional one: a tight chest, shortness of breath, racing heart, tension in the shoulders, sinking feeling in the stomach or other intense feelings.

Trying to “think your way out of it” rarely works. The quickest path to calming a grief wave is regulating the body first.

Box Breathing is a research-backed technique used by therapists and Navy SEALs where you:

• Inhale for 4

• Hold for 4

• Exhale for 4

• Hold for 4Repeat 4–6 times.

This pattern signals your brain: You’re safe. You can soften. You can settle.

I’ve used this in grocery store aisles, malls, and even during conversations. Within seconds, my heart rate drops and the panic loosens its grip.

2. Ground Yourself With Your Senses

When grief overwhelms the brain, grounding techniques help bring you back into the present moment. One of the most effective grounding techniques is the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method

where you name: 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

This interrupts the panic spiral and reconnects you to your environment. I’ve used grounding in parking lots, bathrooms at work, and once during a family gathering when laughter felt too painful to bear. Focusing on the cold air, the sound of a bird, and the colours around me helped the wave pass.

Grounding gives your nervous system something solid to hold onto.

3. Let the Emotion Move Through You

The fastest way out of a grief wave… is through it.

Research from UCLA shows that naming your emotions reduces their intensity. It's a technique called affect labeling. This is why journaling can be so supportive too. You don’t need paragraphs. You don’t need perfect words. You just need honesty.

Try writing:

• “This wave hit because…”

• “Right now I feel…”

• “What I needed in this moment was…”

In early grief, I could barely write two words at a time, so I would write single words like: Angry. Lost. Missing her. Trying. Those words were a huge emotional release for me.

If you haven't tried journaling, I suggest you do. You might surprise yourself!

Grief Waves Don’t Last Forever

Every wave follows a pattern: intensity → peak → fall. Like the ocean, it rises, it crests, it softens. Grief waves cannot drown you. If you breathe through it, ground through it, and express even 1% of what you feel, the wave loses force — and your nervous system regains its footing.

Angel Mom, I want you to know: You are not alone. And you don’t have to face the waves without support.

If you want more tools, comfort, and guidance, you can explore my Meditation & Journal Bundle for Grieving Moms — created specifically to help you through moments like these.

XO Lisa Boehm