Back-to-School: Coping with Grief after Child Loss

If you’re a grieving mom, back-to-school season can feel like a punch in the gut. The backpacks, the first-day-of-school photos, the university move-ins… all of it can stir up deep grief, especially if your child should be walking into that classroom, riding that school bus, or moving into their dorm room this fall.

I know this ache all too well.

My daughter Katie loved school. She was the kind of kid who got excited about new binders, fresh clothes (and new makeup, of course), and would organize her supplies weeks in advance. She was bright, curious, and had such a love of learning. Just six days before her car accident, she received an entrance scholarship into nursing school. She was so proud — I can still see the look on her face when she opened that letter.

Katie never got to graduate from high school. And that first September after she died was brutal.

When we bought our home 23 years ago, it was partly because it was only two blocks from the elementary school. I loved being able to walk my kids there or wait for them on the driveway to hear about their days. I always baked homemade cookies on the first day — chocolate chip for Katie, peanut butter for her brother — and listened to their stories about new teachers, friends, and desk assignments.

After Katie died, those traditions became painful reminders. Each year, the elementary school children walk past our house, backpacks full and hearts full of excitement. For the first few years, I had to close the curtains. It took nearly a decade before I could watch them and smile again.

And then there was social media — the endless “first day” photos and college move-in posts from Katie’s friends. While I was genuinely happy for them, it was also a stark reminder of all she would never get to do.

Grief has a way of turning ordinary moments into emotional landmines. For bereaved moms, back-to-school season can be as hard as Christmas or a birthday.

Lisa's Book for Bereaved Moms

Over time, I’ve learned that while the ache will always be there, I can make choices about how I carry it.

Here are five gentle ways to navigate back-to-school grief:

1. Create Your Own Tradition

Instead of old routines, start a new one that honours your child. One year, my husband, son, and I went to Banff National Park when school started. You might bake cookies for a homeless shelter, plant flowers, or visit a special place. There’s no “right” way; only what feels right to you.

2. Limit Social Media

Scrolling through “first day” photos can be unexpectedly painful. Give yourself permission to step back. Take a break, delete apps for the week, or set time limits. Protecting your heart isn’t selfish — it’s self-care.

3. Plan a Soothing Distraction

If you know what times will be hard (like when the school bell rings), plan to be somewhere comforting; with a friend, in nature, or at a yoga class. Sometimes avoiding the trigger is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself.

4. Have a Safe Person on Standby

Line up a friend or fellow grieving mom you can call or text. Simply knowing someone “gets it” can help you feel less alone.

5. Give Yourself a “Grace Day”

Take a full day off from expectations. Rest, grieve, or do something nourishing for your heart. No guilt, no apologies.

Over the years, my relationship with this season has shifted. I’ve found ways to actively honour Katie’s love of school:

• Give back – Each year, I donate school supplies or funds in her name to children in need. It’s a way to pass on her joy for learning.

• Keep learning myself – Whether it’s a pottery class or learning a new language, I keep growing in her honour.

  
  

If you’re feeling the weight of this season, please know you are not alone. There is a community of angel moms walking this road beside you.

And if you need someone to listen, to understand, and to help you find a bit of light in the darkness, I offer free 15-minute Clarity Calls. We’ll talk, and together we’ll figure out what kind of grief support will help you most.

Back-to-school may always bring a pang of grief, but with intention, compassion, and support, you can find ways to carry the love forward.

XO Lisa Boehm