A Grieving Mother's Greatest Fear after Child Loss

Fears after the loss of a child are normal

As a grieving mother, my deepest fear is that the world will forget my daughter, Katie. Nearly nine years ago, she walked out the door and never came home.

When a child dies, people offer love and support, but eventually, life pulls them back to their own routines. It's normal to wonder Will they forget my child?

When family and friends stop mentioning Katie, it breaks my heart. Hearing her name doesn’t deepen my pain—it warms my heart. My grief is always present.

On her birthday and the anniversary of her passing, a simple text, card, or hug reminds me that she’s remembered.

For bereaved moms, grief is a lifelong balancing act of sorrow and joy. No two people grieve the same way, and healing doesn’t follow a timeline. If you’re supporting a grieving mother, please acknowledge her child. Saying their name, sharing memories, or even sending a message on important dates can mean the world.

Here is an excerpt from my book A Journey to HEALING: A Mother's Guide to Navigating Child Loss. It is part of the appendix I included at the back of my book to help friends and family support us in our loss.

My book - how to navigate child loss

"If you are a friend of a bereaved mom, or family, or even an acquaintance, please be patient with us. We may look the same to you, but we are very, very different now. We are fragile and need lots of gentleness, kindness and patience. Please know that there is no timeline to healing, that healing is the choice of the bereaved, not your choice or your timeline. We are human beings and have different wants and needs during our grief and it changes over time. No two people grieve the same. Good communication, like other areas of life, is paramount.

To help best support a bereaved mother consider the following:

· Acknowledge our child’s passing. Say something and do something. Remember our children – say their name. We won’t be upset. We might cry at hearing their name but it brings us joy. Share any memories, pictures, anything at all.

· Understand that this journey is a balancing act for us – grief in one hand and joy in the other. Know that we can experience both and some days we need more patience and support than others. Our grief never goes away.

· Know that our lives will never, ever be the same. It’s not just the loss of our child; it’s the loss of all future moments with our child. We mourn the big things like future weddings and grandchildren and the little things too. Things like an empty chair at the kitchen table can be heart breaking for us.

· Be there for the long haul. We need you and your support forever. While your life goes back to normal after the funeral, ours is silent and lonely. We need you to stay in touch and reach out after the funeral is over for the days, months and years to come.

· Encourage conversations and memories about our children. Include them in the conversation. Don’t ignore the fact that they existed.

· Visit, send texts, emails- it all helps. The pain does not stop after the funeral and that is the time when the bereaved feel the loneliest.

· Listen. Really listen. Be present and listen.

· Write down our child’s birthday and date of death on a calendar and send a message or card on those days. You won’t make us sad by reminding us that our children are no longer here. We will never forget that. But by remembering and saying our child’s name you will warm our heart. We are all scared that our child will be forgotten. Please remember them.

· Be gentle and considerate. Ask if we want to talk about what happened. Let us talk, rant, and scream. Just listen and acknowledge our pain. Do not offer suggestions unless you have walked this path. Please stay away from the clichés.

· At least 2 days every year, we need some grace – our child’s birthday and their anniversary will always be days that we need the most understanding. However, every holiday no matter how big or small is difficult. Mother’s Day is a very challenging day for us too.

· Keep checking in, considerately. We may turn you down 500 times but keep asking. Give us space but keep letting us know you are thinking of us and wanting to visit when it feel right for us. Invite them out, or ask to stop by. Keep calling or texting.

· Step in and step up graciously. Don’t say “if there’s anything you I can do, just ask”. We do not have the energy or the forethought to do that. Bring a meal or a cup of tea. Arrange to take our kids to activities or take care of our pets.

· Understand that grief is complex and difficult for us to understand too. Know that you can’t fix this.

Grief after child loss is far from easy, so let's walk together.

Lisa K. Boehm

PS: I created a helpful download just for moms who have lost a child. This FREE PDF offers you 3 ways to cope better, manage your pain, and learn to live again without feeling like you have to 'let go' of your child.

You can request the download here .

FREE Download